The Unblogged

Almost six months have passed since my last blog entry.  Within that time I wanted to write about things I have not blogged about including the joy and miracle of giving birth to my second baby, updates on my cancer treatment, a long-overdue bucket list and other stuff.  But something stopped me, this cloud hanging over my head despite the happy news, despite the enormity of blessings, because I wanted this blog to be more cheery than not. 

My stepfather passed away last August 8 and I find myself walking in the mall wanting to cry, asking God if he could give him back to us because he was taken way before it was time.  There must be some mistake.  It’s unreal and yet here we are simply missing him.  He and I had more differences than similarities in the way we lived our lives but he loved me and was overly-generous to a fault, spoiled as I am by all that he has given me.

Who do I run to now for advice?  Oddly, I created a system that I hope is guided by him.  Some late nights, I watched him enjoy trading and he always said that if he can do anything, he’d rather trade currencies, stocks, futures and options for a living.  It’s a field most unlikely for me to enter because I wanted my life to be about saving the world only to realize I had to save myself first.  I spent seven years striving to be someone my stepdad could be proud of but failed rather miserably working in his company, my attempt at going corporate.  I’d get advice from well-meaning friends that I shouldn’t live under the shadow of somebody else’s expectations, but there’s something in me that is genuinely piqued by how my stepdad lived.

I’ve now attended my third FOREX seminar and although, I’m mentally challenged with technical and fundamental analysis whizzing past my head, it's intriguingly worth studying but not something I would do full-time.  However, I’d like to set in place the means by which I could still benefit from it.  I created a Yahoo group for my classmates and me so we’d have a community where we can share lessons.  I got fund managers so that I’d learn from them while I’m stress-and-worry-free to continue learning the ropes.  So that’s one ongoing project for my stepdad and me to work on while he’s in heaven and I’m here typing this with the sound of flowing water behind me.

The other blistering barnacle of unbloggable entry is the realization of just how hard these past two years have been, leading me to seek professional help in the nick of time.  The internal demons have settled down a bit and I've had my head slowly screwed back on so it’s all systems go for the next adventures.