I look back
at the periods of life crossroads and marvel at how the “next thing” came along
and I’m hoping it would be the same this time.
“It” would magically appear like an “aha” moment, like a suddenly
turned-on light bulb or a “ting” would ring in my ear. However, those moments only look easy in
hindsight and they were probably borne of more anxious introspection than I
could remember.
I remember
doing decision matrices, lists, a lot of walks, some talks with key people and
now I have available the full use of you tube and the internet. It could get confusing. Last night for instance, fishing from the web, I was deeply
bothered by these lines by Olivier Blanchard:
“No matter what our choice
of profession is – CEO, auto mechanic, surgeon, soldier, EMT, assembly line
worker, politician, restaurant manager, samurai, etc. – we’re all artists. All of us. You leave the art bottled up
inside you, and your career will never reach its full potential. In life and
love outside of work, you’ll always wonder why you feel stalled, why you feel
alone, why you can’t connect with people the way you wish you could. You’ll
always be a fraction of who you should be, of who you would like to be. But if you can find a way to
let it out, to give it form, to embrace it, to let it permeate into every
aspect of your life – professional and otherwise, – you will grow into a much
happier, more fulfilled person. I don’t think that’s
true. I know that’s
true. I see it every single day.”
It’s been
one year since I was diagnosed with cancer, one year in and out of hospitals, getting
IV infusions and the most surgeries I’ve had ever. I signed up for a cancer support group only
to realize that I’d like to get on with the next part of my life not as a
cancer patient or survivor but as Joei.
And what does Joei want? I
panicked when I drew a blank. I had to
calm myself that it’s probably okay not to know as long as I keep moving
forward even in question marks.
I have over
a month to find what it is I’m looking for but what if I don’t find it? Why am I even putting a deadline on this
complex endeavour in the first place? My
husband and two boys are in China so I surmised that the period that
they’re gone, I can spend to leisurely look for what it is I want to do. Pass the half-way mark, there is a sense that
“it” may not appear when they land in Manila. Again, calm down. Don’t exaggerate the situation. Don’t over-dramatize the time element. Olivier Blanchard is not holding, I repeat,
not holding a Damocles sword over your head just because you don’t know what
the hell art you're going to let loose in the world.
I recalled
the things I enjoyed – writing, painting, movies, poetry, books, architecture,
mountain climbing, outdoors, travel, biking, having mentors, community, food . .
. . . I’d have to do the rounds again and see.
Meantime, there is only an urge to update my blog and join my friend
who’s going to their vegetable farm tomorrow.
So I think
that’s the trick, just follow the urge.
It’s like an invite from the universe. Just RSVP a yes and it’s only a matter of time
when the right dots connect.
But before they connect, nothing should deter us from our dreams. They are connecting surreptitiously, silently
in our sleep, under our radar, slithering like a snake, waiting for the day that they can creep up and
surprise us. They are probably already
connected only we don’t know it.
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