Will It Ever Matter That I Miss You This Much

My boys have been away from me for more than a month and we still have twenty more days to go before we are reunited.   I want to storm the Chinese embassy and demand a visa but I can’t because I’m leaving for South Africa tomorrow.  That was the plan.  I was going to visit my sister so that my dad will finally fulfil a longstanding promise that he’s made.  The trip was purposefully arranged while the boys are in China spending quality time with my hubby’s family who love these boys no end. 

Now, I regret not having worked on getting a Chinese visa earlier.  Now, I regret not having gone to China with them.  Now, I regret not putting an earlier return date on their ticket.  I picked the date!  Stupid me! 

I thought it would be good for Joshua to catch up on his Chinese so one month and three weeks would be enough time.  It’s good for his second language development and for my in-laws but not for me because I miss them terribly.  Now, I’m just being selfish.  I thought I’d be generous and benevolent sharing the kids with the in-laws but generosity my ass – I miss them so much!

What's even more frustating is that I can't communicate with them properly because I can't get the Chinese chat program to fully work. I can hear them but I can't see them or they can see me but they can't hear me. My Chinese character recognition skills have deteriorated so much I don't know which buttons to click.

Jimmy turned one year old and I’m not with him.  I don’t want them to think that I’ve abandoned them or that I’m not thinking of them.

But c’mon who remembers these things anyway.  When do our earliest memories start?  We don’t remember anything till we’re five or six, right?  It’s the rare person who remembers their third year on earth, right?   Some people can’t even stand being with their mothers when they turn sixteen, right?  So what’s the big deal?

Because I miss them like my heart is going to be torn into a million pieces.  But they were away for even longer last year when Jimmy’s Chinese passport had to be fixed so I had practice back then, right? 

I guess I’m just caught emotionally off-guard and I want to bawl my heart out and scream to the world that I miss my babies.  I’m getting paranoid that they’ll grow up thinking I don’t love them.  But when they come back on June 14, I won’t let them go.  I’ll smother them with hugs and kisses and when the trip to China rolls by next year, I’m sure to board the plane with them.
 

All mothers must feel this way at one point or another so I'm but an echo of gazillion years of missed moments.  Maybe I'm not busy enough like I have to be a workhorse going home exhausted, completely worn-out with barely time to think.  Maybe I miss being needed and that's just selfishness again on my part.  Maybe I need to do something to cover up the sadness.  Like writing that blog entry about visiting the dentist was a riot that briefly made me forget.  And there’s -- South Africa here I come!

Looking at these pictures, you understand, right?