Will It Ever Matter That I Miss You This Much

My boys have been away from me for more than a month and we still have twenty more days to go before we are reunited.   I want to storm the Chinese embassy and demand a visa but I can’t because I’m leaving for South Africa tomorrow.  That was the plan.  I was going to visit my sister so that my dad will finally fulfil a longstanding promise that he’s made.  The trip was purposefully arranged while the boys are in China spending quality time with my hubby’s family who love these boys no end. 

Now, I regret not having worked on getting a Chinese visa earlier.  Now, I regret not having gone to China with them.  Now, I regret not putting an earlier return date on their ticket.  I picked the date!  Stupid me! 

I thought it would be good for Joshua to catch up on his Chinese so one month and three weeks would be enough time.  It’s good for his second language development and for my in-laws but not for me because I miss them terribly.  Now, I’m just being selfish.  I thought I’d be generous and benevolent sharing the kids with the in-laws but generosity my ass – I miss them so much!

What's even more frustating is that I can't communicate with them properly because I can't get the Chinese chat program to fully work. I can hear them but I can't see them or they can see me but they can't hear me. My Chinese character recognition skills have deteriorated so much I don't know which buttons to click.

Jimmy turned one year old and I’m not with him.  I don’t want them to think that I’ve abandoned them or that I’m not thinking of them.

But c’mon who remembers these things anyway.  When do our earliest memories start?  We don’t remember anything till we’re five or six, right?  It’s the rare person who remembers their third year on earth, right?   Some people can’t even stand being with their mothers when they turn sixteen, right?  So what’s the big deal?

Because I miss them like my heart is going to be torn into a million pieces.  But they were away for even longer last year when Jimmy’s Chinese passport had to be fixed so I had practice back then, right? 

I guess I’m just caught emotionally off-guard and I want to bawl my heart out and scream to the world that I miss my babies.  I’m getting paranoid that they’ll grow up thinking I don’t love them.  But when they come back on June 14, I won’t let them go.  I’ll smother them with hugs and kisses and when the trip to China rolls by next year, I’m sure to board the plane with them.
 

All mothers must feel this way at one point or another so I'm but an echo of gazillion years of missed moments.  Maybe I'm not busy enough like I have to be a workhorse going home exhausted, completely worn-out with barely time to think.  Maybe I miss being needed and that's just selfishness again on my part.  Maybe I need to do something to cover up the sadness.  Like writing that blog entry about visiting the dentist was a riot that briefly made me forget.  And there’s -- South Africa here I come!

Looking at these pictures, you understand, right?

Thoughts While on a Dental Chair

I haven't gone to a dentist for so long that the dentist even accurately guessed exactly how many moons I have been remiss in my duties. While I sat in that chair for half an hour, it felt good to finally get my teeth scraped and scrubbed. 

Amidst the grating noise, flinching pain and “nakakangawit” posture of the mouth, I thought, “In heaven there must be no dentists because we’d have perfect teeth.”  There’d be no need for doctors because we’d be in perfect health.  What other jobs or professions would cease to exist in heaven?  There’d be no jobs because we wouldn’t have to work for money or for anything if we don’t feel like it.  Professions?  Hmmmmm.

There’d be no lawyers because we would all get along and won’t sue each other.  The only group of professionals I’d imagine would find “jobs” in heaven would be artists and musicians and they won’t be doing any of their art for money.  They would simply be creating, playing music and painting the whole day.  And there’d be no “day” in heaven.  It would be eternity.   

Architects can design and build whatever wild structures they conjure up without coming into conflict with a client who cannot understand their idea or a contractor who cannot execute their vision.  Funds would be limitless and there'd be no gravity either.  Writers can compose all the poems, stories and novels that they want without fear of censure.  They won’t be rejected by publishers or panned by critics. 

I wondered if there would be movies, directors and actors in heaven.  There surely would be no advertisements because you wouldn’t need to sell anything to anybody.  There would be no television as corollary to that.  Movies may be a form of art so perhaps indie films would abound in heaven while "commercial movies” are done for the pure fun of it.

Back to the reality sitting on a dentist’s chair, wouldn’t it be great if we could do the “job” or “profession” we want here on earth?  If we could practice what it is in our inner most heart we believe to be the truest expression of ourselves, what would each one of us be doing?  There’d be a surplus of comedians, chefs, singers and dancers.  We’d all be pilots who don’t need airplanes to fly, we’d just be Superman.

Would it get too boring doing what it is you like for eternity?  What if people wanted to help other people and there’d be no one to help because everyone’s fine in heaven?  That’s where I think angels come in.  They volunteer to go down to earth or to other planets to help human beings or other creatures who may not fall into the category of humans yet fall into our brotherhood of conscious consciousness -- aliens.

Imagine if you were an angel and you could pick other planets to protect the inhabitants.  You’d be blown away by the “differentness” and “otherness” of it from your former home.  In the beginning, it would be like some trip to a drug-induced state but then you’d get your bearings back and remember your noble assignment as an angel.   In reality, science-fiction imagineers may have a direct line to those other-worldly worlds, perhaps whispered to them by their angels who've travelled the whole universe over.

Speaking of science, what would scientists invent in heaven?  Maybe they’d naturally opt to be guardian angels of future Einsteins and Benjamin Franklins.

These are waaaaay too weird thoughts to be churning out in a dental clinic and the dentist did not even give me anaesthesia! 

Long List to Short List

Take a look at this long list of business ideas that I’ve generated out of brainstorming creativity mixed with desperation for income generating schemes: 

1. bangus fishpond
2. raising goats
3. giant bamboo
4. organic health product distribution
5. architectural and interior design
6. interior fit-out
7. growing landscaping plants
8. growing hardwood trees for lumber
9. raising cows
10. contract growing
11. mangoes sharing scheme
12. trading with China
13. carinderia / Jolli Jeep in the Fort
14. prawn farm
15. selling drugs

Number 15 is just there to test if you’re awake and reading.

After being helped and whipped into shape by my financial planners in Manila and my business coach based in Paris (Naks! Nagkataon lang po nahanap niya ang pag-ibig dun), after banging my head against the wall of lack of capital, I decided to narrow it down to two.  Yes, it is possible to control an all-over-the-place, wandering, ADHD-like, hyperactive mind – because when you hit the bottomline, there’s nowhere else to go.

Ironically they are the same two enterprises that I presented in an entrepreneurship seminar more than two years ago.  The participants were asked to come up with a power point of their business proposition which would then be critiqued by the mentors.  After my presentation, their advice for me was to focus on one out of the two proposals because from the sound of my voice I seemed more passionate about it.  I did follow their recommendation and had a year of realizing projects.  Then cancer came, treatment, the second baby, yada, yada, yada. 

I’m back where I started a bit wiser.  I decided to revive my – drum roll please – architectural design practice.  It’s like going back to the arms of my old boyfriend, the one I left repeatedly for other men.  It feels good to be home but scary at the same time because it’s the third reboot, restart, revival, rekindling.  Will it last?  What if it fails again?  I’m too old and I don’t know what I’m doing.  Sounds familiar.  Thing is, I can’t be afraid because I’ve got faith and friends backing me up.

Out of the many farm ventures, I’ll just focus on the fishponds because that’s where I’ve put money down already but I have to control the costs.  Other projects I would want to pursue, I’d have to present to a certain capitalist who may want to fund it.   If there’s funding great; if not, oh well, just shelve it for the future when I have the moolah myself.  I did buy two goats so that’s one more sideline above the allowable limit but I’m excusing myself because of the minimal cost.  Anything higher than the price of two goats, I’d have to handcuff myself to the bedpost.   

 

Frugal Fort

Frugal Chow Hound founder and friend, Doy has been hounding me to write about this food entry and I tell him there’s a backlog of topics hounding me.   Living in the Fort has it perks being one of the few truly pedestrian friendly places in the city but problem is most of the restaurants are on the expensive side.  At least there’s Market Market but finding cheap, good quality food is a hit and miss game.  You often get what you pay for so it’s a source of gleehappinessjoy when I find affordable delicious places fit for a frugal family of four.    

Affordable means around the P300 price range per person.  Below that would be great but not putting my expectations up, just surprise me.  Over P400 is stretching it. Over P500 and somebody else is footing the bill.

The list is quite short but give it time and it’ll grow:

1. Moshi Koshi in Market Market
2. Suzhou in that building beside Starbucks that has a drive through near Home Depot
3. Seoul Express at the Fort Strip
4. Brothers Burger on High Street
5. Pancake House in Market Market and High Street
6. Mad for Garlic on High Street

When my husband and two sons go back to China and I’m left alone, I usually end up eating in Moshi Koshi at least once a week.  It’s my to-go-to staple like Yoshinoya was when I lived across Robinson’s Galleria during my single days.  Folks at Moshi Koshi already know me because I also order delivery.

My husband has learned not to expect anything from Chinese restaurants here in the Philippines because they are eons away from the “real thing”.  So we avoid it in general except if we suspect something might be good.  Suzhou at the Fort is one such delightful discovery.

There are a lot of Chinese fast food around but most are disappointing.  I remember when North Park was new; it was worth going out of your way to enjoy.  When they opened branch after branch becoming accessible everywhere, the quality diminished. I don’t know if it’s them or if it’s because my taste in Chinese food changed drastically after living in China but I haven’t enjoyed any recent North Park foray.  My husband’s critical taste buds when it comes to Chinese food in the Philippines rubbed off me and I can spot “fake” as well as he could.  When we took my husband’s family visiting from China to Hap Chan, it was a disaster!  Even if they had asked for pepper and spices, they could not correct the taste.  And don’t even mention Chow King.

Excuse the digression.  Back to the list.

Seoul Express sticks out, a sore thumb in a crowd of high-end restaurants that’s why we were drawn to it.  I have to refresh my memory of the food in that place because I made a mental note then to go back.  I remember the Korean owner was a very nice man and we savored the ending of the yummy Korean green melon ice cream. 

A recent trip to Brothers Burger caught me off-guard because I thought the quality would not be as good since chains have that tendency to deteriorate over time though there are exceptions.  I loved the burger wrapped in lettuce but it was just darn hard to eat.  I felt like bringing my own pita bread and re-wrapping it. 

Pancake House I go for the taco and any of the salads. 

Looking at it from the outside with its glass walls of swanky wine bottles, I thought no way would a meal here fit the budget but if you take the strategy of ordering the cheapest entry from each food category on the menu, the goal is attainable.  Split among three people and it fell right within range but the tastes went way over thus it was good value for money. 

With the opening of SM Aura, hopefully there’ll be a few more to add to the list.  There are other places I want to check out like that Japanese carinderia looking place at South of Market and a dedicated fish resto in one of the office buildings several blocks from Burgos circle.

 

Farm Log No. 4

Another missed opportunity teaches me that lengthy lists and plans overflowing with too many tasks may not be the best way to start a farm.  Focus on one thing first, leave others in the background, see how it goes and then diversify.  I programmed February to be the time we would be spraying the mango trees and harvesting but I was way off the mark and preparations should have started as early as November.

My mind was thinking fish ponds, prawn farm, mango harvest, bamboo buyer, tree seedlings, vegetable growing, organic sprays and composting all at the same time causing the nerves to short circuit leading me to the conclusion it's not possible to juggle those especially when I'm just starting.

So now I've decided to focus on the fish ponds and every time I go to Calatagan, make it a point to take the project one step forward.  The plan is to start with tilapia and bangus while there's no electricity to run the prawn project.  This would test practice the relationships, skills and market with less capital needed.  I've met two key people who can help me make this work.  

The other thing I'd like to try out soon is going to Calatagan without my kids so I can focus more on work and save money as well.  One of the people I met seredipitously may just offer the solution. 

Red talisay leaves fell and I thought there would be no shade next week when we visit the beach with the Carewell community but seven days after, they were dressed with fresh green finery, cooling the women having fun and laughing under their branches.

 

 

  

Farm Log No. 3

There was an I-wanna-give-up-this-dream moment at the point of someone's rejection of my idea but thankfully, perseverance prevailed.  We have yet to see though the whole marathon of thousands of kilometers but I hope to hurdle those frustrating and short-lived instances.  I am buoyed by seeing instructions relayed only through the cellphone bear fruit.  Here they have started the worm composting area.  Seedling trays contain on-your-mark-get-set-go-grow pods of germination. 

 

Soil preparation may be costly if you get a tractor, but wanting to start small I pushed for doing things manually first and consider renting in the future before even considering buying a tractor.  In the farm that he is handling, my husband decided right away on the outright purchase of this equipment but he is probably braver than me in shelling out capital.  On the cautious side, I'd like to start on a humbler scale.  (Probably because I'm also using the last tranche of my savings from China.)

 

I mistakenly thought a backpack type of sprayer would be used for the mango trees.  My husband got one for me from Binondo cheaper than the one sold in the province.  But the tall mango trees need the mechanized type to reach the top so we'd most likely rent that when the organic spray is ready.  The knapsack type we can use for the vegetables on the ground.

 

Carling and Edwin, the two who attended the organic farm training at Costales Farm in Laguna, seems to be excited with the whole venture of learning and experimenting and even if Gary didn't join the three-day course, he seems to be infected with the two's eagerness.  

 

Hearing Anita

Whenever my sister based in South Africa tells me about a book she’s reading, I immediately try to get a hold of it and one of those books is Anita Moorjani’s Dying to Be Me.  Imagine my delight and excitement when I heard that Anita herself was coming to Manila. 

Having read her inspiring story of near death experience and miraculous healing from stage four terminal cancer, I wished I could bring as many people as I could to her talk.  I invited two of my aunts but the one person I so wanted to hear Anita speak was my Mom.  I was too scared that Mom would be too skeptical and too busy to attend.  Ironically, Anita’s talk is all about fearless living.  That still has to sink in deeper for me to practice consistently, relentlessly.

I wanted my friend, R whose father recently passed away to have heard Anita’s message.  After recounting her riveting story in the first half of the talk and explaining the lessons from the other realm in the second half, Anita delivered a sort of postscript assuring us that nobody goes before their time.  Those who cross over wish only our happiness and nothing else.  Our mourning is more for ourselves missing dear ones terribly.

If one listens to Anita’s experience and insights, one goes away thinking there is nothing to worry about, to fret over, to be afraid of, to be sorry for because in essence, we are all love and we are loved unconditionally.  All we have to do is live out our joy and celebrate our unique selves. It’s a rather simple message that has been taught through the ages by various teachers, gurus and enlightened masters but we’ve also contradicted and denied that message by having a society focused on competition rather than collaboration, on giving criticisms rather than encouragement, on achieving rather than being.     

A big shift is needed in the way we’ve designed our educational and governance systems. We should also question how our medical care focuses on diseases rather than wellness.  Anita wishes that people who can influence bringing about changes in these fields would read her book.  Knowing who we really are, knowing about the world without boundaries where we are all headed, knowing what is beyond death, our perspectives and attitudes in this lifetime calls for some re-alignment.

 

 

Unfortunately, there is no video of the entire talk delivered by Anita in Manila but she was featured here on Karen Davila’s show.  Thanks to Arkeology for bringing Anita here and I look forward to her next visit so I can take my Mom.