Love and Marriage: From the Eyes of Sharon

I have not been blogging regularly for a long, long time since I got to China, and even way before that.  I had the excuse of not having a VPN but my friend, Sunny thankfully came to the rescue and fixed that problem months ago.  However, I still couldn't muster the time to blog.  

This September, I started working as an English Writing teacher at the Tianjin Foreign Studies University in Dagang City thirty minutes from where we live.  I'd like to share some of my students' works which especially moved me and resonated with me.  

This one about love within marriage was skillfully written by a perceptive and creative young lady, Sharon.  

I remember a talk between my parents and me which taught me a lesson along the way. The subject of this talk is love within marriage.

Two years ago, I mustered up the courage to ask my parents some questions about married love when we sat in the living room and watched TV together. I took a sip of tea,then said "Mom, when couples have been married for a long time will they still be in love with each other or not?  I mean what if we just get used to being with this person?"  Mom said, "Well,there is love in married life. Marriage without love is perfunctory.  If couples live without love,in fact,the marriage is dead."

As dad made tea he said, "Maybe love means passion for youth but for us who are married for a long time, passion is less.  The meaning of love includes duty, obligation, care and forgiveness in daily life.  Of course getting used to being with each other is a certain thing.  However, normally it doesn't mean that there's no love between couples.  Actually, we pay more attention to other contents of love, not just passion."

I got their words and said,"I see.  But I also want to know why so many errant man leaves his wife for other women?  Why is there the seven year itch?"

Dad said,"actually seven years just means a period of time.When couples are married for a long time, trifles in daily life may make them feel insipid, even forget the love between themselves. Meanwhile, men may be in the 35 to 45 demographic and they are the most mature and appealing to young ladies so they have to face many temptations.  You know what, there are different physical structures between males and females.  It causes males to have worse resistance to temptation.  At this time, whether the man is mature enough or not is the important point, because if he's mature enough and has a good character, he will protect their marriage and think about his duty and obligation to his family, children, the future and his love for his wife.  Then he won't do the wrong thing."

"The wife is also responsible for this thing."Mom said.  She compared a person to a book. "Think about it.  If we read a book for so many years, no matter how interesting the book is, it's certain that you will feel bored and don't want to read it anymore. But if the new contents are added to this book constantly, or gets a sequel, readers would like to continue reading it. "Dad nodded his head to express his agreement with mom's opinion.  I said,"I don't want to be a humdrum woman, right?"  They smiled at me,"yeah".

    

From this talk, I learned many things about love.  It is really helpful for me to face and manage my marriage in the future.  I think I got knowledge about keeping each other happy in the marriage and holding happiness.  Thanks to my parents.

Iron Man and the Aircraft Carrier

I am an extreme pacifist and do not like anything connected with war.  Going to an aircraft carrier is not an interesting proposition, however, when I visited the big Russian ship permanently docked in Hangu, surprisingly, I changed my mind and saw the art and beauty in something that was invented to launch missiles from the sea and served as parking space for fighting air machines.  Or maybe it was simply because I went there with my three boys – my husband and two sons who were thrilled by the entire trip that the excitement was quite contagious.

The entrance to the theme park echoes Disneyland’s old American main street albeit in this case, it’s Russian.  The park also borrows from Universal Studio’s take on Hollywood and includes heart-thumping stunt shows – one on land involving fast cars and motorcycles and another one on water involving jet skis and that new “Iron-Man-like-thingy” which spouts jets of water from a pair of boots that lets one hover over water.  So be prepared for an action-packed day that’s family friendly and extra-ordinary.

Before its “Chinese-Disneyfication,” the decommissioned aircraft-hanger could be visited just off the highway between TEDA and Hanggu.  The new entrance and park was built on the other side of the noisy, busy expressway so to get to the ship, people cross a huge bridge filled with shops and attractions that you won’t even notice you’re walking over a highway.  There are a lot of activities to choose from before arriving at the pièce de résistance – the looming ship itself.  You can take a train, watch the performances, see a 4D movie, ride two types of speedboats (one is way faster than the other) and buy food and souvenirs.  Walking throughout the park and the ship, I wondered how many tanks and airplanes crafted from bullets can they sell in a day?

The ship named the “Kiev” served the Soviet navies between 1975 and 1993 and was sold to the Binhai Aircraft Park in 1996.   It’s transformation into a museum makes for an educational and interactive trip through history, transporting one back to bygone eras before high definition TVs and ipads, all the way through the cold war and battles before that.  Pictures and models are scattered throughout the galleries in the ship and you can explore to your heart’s content all the levels that leave you in awe of what man can build.  It made me contemplate the budget allocated for making torpedoes, ships like these, machines and other weapons of destruction and how that budget compares to the expenditure for education and construction of schools in areas that badly need them. 

Like lightning, my sons took off with glee when they saw the helicopter and jet planes parked on the ship’s main deck.  From the ship’s control room, we watched through the porthole the stunt show on the water below.  Most of the stunt performers came from Western countries and they’d zipline from the ship’s nose down to where the audience were seated – a perfect update to what seems to be an outdated hunk of metal.  The stunt men would careen in their all-terrain vehicles making you feel part of a movie set.

I read on the internet that the ship also has a luxury hotel but we didn’t get to see that part.  My five-year old son has been bugging me to return to the ship, no doubt to experience the hyper-speed boat again.  I wouldn’t mind returning because I’d like to try more of the Russian food.  I only got to the taste the Russian ice cream and potato chips while my husband bought giant cans of beer for his friend.  

Just outside the ship, we also got to ride this car that was made by joining two giant wheels that rocked the seat in between and it was totally fun just like the whole day that passed.  

Natural High

Taking a gruelling ten-hour road trip with a two and a four year old makes one go a tad crazy enough to feel that the trip shouldn’t have been undertaken in the first place because of the tears, fights, mess, spills and aching arms.  However, arriving at the destination and seeing the two boys enjoy the gorgeous outdoors of Bashang to the hilt, the exhausting car ride was worth it all.  

We were a caravan of people that fit into eight off-road and one non-off-road car headed for Bashang where city folks go to escape the summer heat at the average altitude of 1,300 to 1,600 meters above sea level.  What should have been an eight hour trip took longer than usual because of bathroom and food breaks plus the non-off-road car got stuck several times in the dirt road and had to be “rescued” by a seasoned off-road driver.

We set off from Tanggu after lunch and arrived close to midnight at a hotel of fake Mongolian yurts.  The real yurt is made of layers of fabric with wool insulation but as so many things in China aspiring only to look like the real thing, the rooms were made of white-painted concrete, had big glass windows plus a bathroom inside which you wouldn’t find in a genuine yurt.  When you’re in China, you just enjoy these little quirks as much as your humour can.  We’re in Inner Mongolia anyway.

In the morning, we went horseback riding and had turns at the ATVs and cross motorcycles over the grassland outside the hotel.  This is where you let your inner child out and have pure fun.  By afternoon, it was too hot to do anything except chat and read in the shade while the kids were the only ones who had leftover energy to stay under the sun and play in the mound of sand intended for constructing more yurt rooms. 

Before dusk, we set out for our camping ground fifteen minutes away.  The land gracefully dipped down creating a natural bowl partly sheltered from the wind.  On one side it was framed by rows of trees and on another side there were giant sand pits perfect for hours of kids play.  Some people diligently set up the tents while others dispersed taking photos, the kids collected insects and shovelled sand.  At night, our dinner was delivered courtesy of the hotel.  This is camping in style complete with food delivery!  Two big containers of boiled lamb were devoured in a few minutes and then the festivities began.

This outdoor club has been in existence for seven years and they’ve amassed some serious party equipment they lug with them through their travels.  A white screen hung onto a metal frame propped up at the back of a 4x4.  With big speakers, spotlight, laptop and LCD projector in place, the karaoke singing began and voila -- instant al fresco night club in the mountains!   One of the members supplied fireworks.  A bonfire was lit and people danced around it like a modern tribe.  The strong spotlight was focussed on the dancing troupe creating elongated shadows against the grassy hill.  When things quieted down, they played an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie.  These people know how to go camping indeed!

Snug asleep in our tent at around three in the morning, the wind howled and it rained but we had ample protection.  In the morning, we woke up to almost unadulterated nature – the kind you really miss when you live in the city, the kind you wish you had in your own backyard so the children can have unlimited play in soil instead of concrete.  Instant noodles were prepped for breakfast then we set off for more rough-road adventure. 

We went back to the hotel to pick up the guide who would show us where the photogenic, awe-inspiring spots are.  This group is passionate about their 4x4’s, hugging the terrain with speed, treating the kids to a natural roller coaster ride.  At one point, the lead Toyota Land Cruiser 80 got stuck crossing a muddy river and it had to be extracted using a winch connected a tree while a Mercedes Benz G55 helped pull it out.  The operation took more than an hour but the wait was a ritual part of the fun, another chance to pick more flowers.

By afternoon, I was desperate to take a hot shower so we went to town and found a place where this could be done for 20RMB.   We had another feast of a lauriat dinner back at the yurt hotel.  When we arrived at our camp it was a little late and it was a quieter night than the previous one -- time to savour the multitude of stars across the vast sky.  The next morning, we took our thin rubber foam sleeping mats, transformed them into sleds, slid down the sand, pulled each other and rolled ourselves like sushi down the steep slopes. 

Then it was time to head home after a few more forays into the land of photo opportunities.  The only sad part of the trip was seeing too many plastic bottles and rubbish dotting and marring the landscape that one wishes there was a “Save Bashang from Trash” movement.  If you go to Bashang, please do take a lot of garbage bags with you and don’t leave anything behind. 

How much did this mini-vacation cost?  The gas to and from Bashang cost around 1,000 to 1,400 RMB depending on the car type.  We each paid the hotel 450 RMB which included one night stay in the room, two sit down lauriat dinners, one lamb dinner delivery, two big breakfasts and ride-all-you-want on the horses and ATVs. The hotel gave us a discount because we were a group of over 30 people. Not bad for a four-day weekend. 

Definitely must come back here again in autumn when the riot of colours must stun us.  

Death Sentence

What do you do when a death sentence

Is handed down

And it turned out every breath had to be accounted for

In a ledger that raged and set off an automatic alarm system

Because the balance was too high to ever be repaid

In one lifetime?

You stand in the middle of the courtyard, look up and

Think:

I have walked every inch of this earth and beyond

Each city and countryside combed and smelled and loved

Like a dog enjoying blades of grass with his nose

Which knows the boundless, guiltless joy

Of roaming every capital and hicktown and planet created

Both on and off maps, radars and global positioning satellites
I have lived every permutation there is, was and will be
Tossing off judgement to the wind because

Everything has been paid eons ago

With glee and with blood

Anticipating the sadness

Man makes a ledger that is not honored elsewhere

(They don’t take Visa or MasterCard where we’re headed)

So, start digging

Inch by inch with your hands through sewer pipes underground

Bodies caked with mud, shit and grime

Only to surface clean, spotless

Immaculate,

Blue skies and freedom                

Lessons from the Popsicle Sticks

Sometimes when the lesson is staring me right at the face unblinking, calling my attention, I still miss it.  That’s what happened with the popsicle sticks I was crafting into a house, garage and flying vehicle for my four-year old son, Joshua who was excited by the powerful glue gun.  The temporality of it all should have warned me and kept me from losing my temper whenever my design is not followed.  Everything is temporary and we’re just passing through so any attachment to anything be it a physical object or an idea is never ever healthy.

Popsicle sticks like toy blocks and sand castles are often subject to instant destruction from the hands that fashion them. Why should architectural ideas be any different?  Nothing is ever written in stone and even water erodes eons of hardness.  So should we accept temporality with grace.

Not Bruce Lee Enough

Today I realized that I wasn’t Bruce Lee enough and made the mistake of resisting forces head-on instead of flowing and humbling myself like water.  It’s a depressing realization because I brought upon myself so much stress, angst and agony for nothing.  

I could’ve just acquiesced and adjusted to fit the required mold because anyway, there was room for creativity elsewhere though not in areas where it required I bend.  In refusing to bend, in rushing to beat imaginary finish lines helter skelter, I ended up broken, defeated in a battle that is so very not worth it.  It’s embarrassing and more embarrassing to say, stupid.

I apologize to and must forgive myself for committing this error and hope it goes down the annals of personal history as a turning point to just be Bruce Lee and learn from water by being water. 

But the merits of water never appealed to me till now that I’m pushed and broken, stretched and cannot return to the original shape.  Ah, when does next time come so I can prove myself worthy of Bruce Lee?  When is the next battle that I can transform into a non-battle?  When is the next opportunity to redeem myself?

Soon!  They come every day and I only have to write and sleep this nightmare episode off because there are more disturbances to come.  But this time I’ll be Bruce Lee enough to turn specter into their opposites and I would be living, breathing and walking a dream.   I would be water.

Our Oasis

Every time I walk into Serendra from the hustle and bustle of the outside world, it’s like entering a calm ocean of serenity.  The noise of commerce and cars switches into a hush of leaves rustling in the wind and it’s like landing on a different planet.  At night, my four year old son goes out with his headlamp to hunt for slugs, snails, centipedes and other insects.  My husband has caught dragonflies and grasshoppers for him.  We go stargazing on the lounge beds by the Palm pool.  Although the night sky is not as clear as the countryside’s, it’s still an awesome experience feeling like you’re in a resort in the middle of Manila.

During the day, the paths that curve through the lush tropical garden escort us out to where we need to go.  The trellis of dangling white flowers never fails to amaze me no matter how many times I’ve strolled underneath, thankful for whoever designed and built this structure.  There’s space for all ages to enjoy – kids playing football on the grass, babies squealing with delight at the bright orange koi in the pond, people meeting in casual lobbies. 

There’s a constant stream of improvements and upgrading going on like there’s an army taking care to ensure the plants and trees stay healthy and facilities well-maintained.  Simply put, living here makes me feel like one lucky soul in a paradise setting.  Too lucky in fact, that I’m sometimes bothered by it, wondering if Metro Manila can ever be “Serendrified.”  Isn’t that a mad, ludicrous, impossible dream?  Imagine the city with a network of parks, gardens and mini-forests.  It’s like people wishing we can be like Singapore knowing fully well that we can never be because we can’t get our act together. From this perspective, it may look bleak for our city. 

Fort Bonifacio is already one of the few hyper sanitized, stylized, secured areas in a city famously described as a gateway to hell.  We don’t have enough parks and greenery.  Our sidewalks are too narrow and public spaces ill-maintained.  There is no affordable housing so squatters have little choice over where they reside.  Public transportation is a nightmare and urban planning is non-existent.  All developers care about is profit, never mind the environment.  What’s sensible and logical is thrown out the window.  Moving within the confines of Fort Bonifacio, especially Serendra, one can forget these inconvenient truths of living in Manila.  If one came home to an oasis, whose problem is it anyway?

There are attempts to bring beauty and greenery into the city like those plant and art walls along EDSA but one wishes for more than token efforts.  One wishes action on a scale so massive, so extensive that it’ll give everyone access to a “Serendra” in their neighbourhood – for free!  But nothing is for free especially Serendra which comes at a price.  However, the economics and sustainability of better and greener public spaces is something that should be worked out perhaps by a group of people in each community.  If there’s no such person or group, then people get the environment they work for and deserve.  Perhaps the best we can hope for are pockets of best practices that can multiply by contaminating others.